I’m going to try and write this blog as positively as I can possibly muster, but it is about an issue that I have lived with since my teenage years and now annoyingly into my Adult Life.. I’m talking about singledom.
See the thing is, I’ve never been in what I can call a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, I’ve been close to them but they have ended up being rather one sided than the other, or if anyone has ever showed any interest in me, it’s been over before it’s began and never really warranted a mention to anyone, really.
So why is my love life so ridiculously pathetic? I’m not the ugliest kid in town, I take care of my appearance, I’m a good laugh and a great friend, apparently, there’s alot of affection inside me.. but none of it matters, because of one thing that will never change. My Wheelchair.
I’ve said before that sexy and disability go together like oil and water, I am more likely to be seen as a ‘good old dependable friend’ rather than the object of a Man’s desire. I see dating as a hurdle race for me, and I’m no Sally Gunnel of Love it seems.
Going out ‘on the pull’ never works, guys don’t seem to notice me, if I’m out with my able bodied girl friends I don’t stand a chance, sometimes you see the fear in the eyes of guys who are stuck talking to ‘the one in the wheelchair’ when they’d much rather be talking to the gorgeous girl to my left, for in fact anyone other than Me.
So I tried online dating, with both tacks as a socail experiment, for a couple of months I mentioned on the profile I was ‘withip h wheels’ and made the issue sound like not a big deal, which to me, it isn’t. I remain upbeat and positive, honesty is the beset policy after all. and then I tried not mentioning my shit legs on my profile, with the full intention of telling a prospective mate about my chair when the time came, I started to think that maybe if they got to know Me before they found out I was disabled they’d realize what I’ve always known, I’m not defined by my wheels.
The second tack has worked slightly better than the first, at least it leads to open conversations about the wheelchair an why I’m in it, but these conversations fizzle out eventually, the flirting stops and I’m left hanging mid conversation. It’s not like I’d don’t try and put myself out there. I do it’s just I haven’t had much luck.
I’m not saying that the single life is a constant source of trouble in my life, I often feel I’m glad to be single, when my Mates are in full throngs of love problems but every so often around a birthdays, and particularly at Christmas I get a weird feeling of loneliness and frustration, and not the kind of loneliness that can be filled by friends popping over or family being around you that can fix it.
It’s quite hard to describe the feeling that while you are living a full and enriched life in so many ways yo know that your missing out on not only the closeness that comes with the other half but I’m missing out on a big thing not having a relationship. Somedays it doesn’t feel fair. Or like it will ever happen
They stop looking and you’ll find it, but it my case, if I stop looking I fear nobody will discover me, I know I have alot to offer someone, somewhere over recent years, I’ve learnt to love who I am and not to feel ashamed. There’s no changing my disability and if someone doesn’t like that, well I can’t say anything that will change your mind.
I’ll keep going, it’ll happen. Just not anytime soon.
When it does I know it’ll be worth it.. Right?