Loneliness can form on many different ways, sometimes it’s hard to realise that you are lonely and once you do, it can be quite a sad state that in its depths, there seems no way out.
I sometimes get lonely, my life consists of being surrounded by people who like me and appreciate me and yet I sometimes get a yerning for more.
It’s no secret that my love life has been none existent up til know, I’ve never been on the receiving end of the kind of closeness that comes with an affection that is chosen and not an instinct. It’s this that makes me feel lonely the most.
It’s never a constant feeling, and sometimes I think giving it a label sounds far more dramatic than it is. It’s more like a feeling of being ‘fed up’, when you go out and all your mates are in couple or that feeling of disappointment when you have another Saturday night in watching crap telly instead of going out somewhere fancy, with someone you fancy.
My frustration with love led me to signing up to Internet Dating in a pit of despair. I talked myself into it over a month, telling myself, that’s it’s far better to be pro active, than it is to do nothing. Nothing happens on its own, and in this case, my love life was like a frightened puppy that needed coaxing out from behind the sofa.
I struggled for a while, deciding or not whether I should mention that my wheelchair is included in the package, straight away I’m put at the bottom of the barrel with the fat, Middle aged single parent offerings, the dregs of the dating world.
A month, six months a year and 18 months went by and nothing no interest, not a single fuck was given by anyone.
More disheartening than the feeling of loneliness I was trying to shift by a mile. I considered on many an occasion to delete the profile and never speak of it again, but something always stopped me.
I remember reading an article that said the attitudes surrounding disability, love and relationships where improving with the amount of people who admitted they would consider a relationship with some with a disability had risen in recent years.
I have yet to experience this statistic, but never the less it gave me hope. So I stayed on the site a bit longer, in what I can only be described as a loveless marriage, with one of us refusing to give up hope.
I’ve deleted my Online Dating profile.
I’m not saying I’ve given up all hope, nor am I saying that there aren’t things happening that may lead to more in the future but these opportunities haven’t come from the Online Dating site. It’s come from my own doing.
The bullying tactics to make you stay on these sites are horrendous. They are designed to make you feel like a failure, to play on that put of despair slump you experience when the loneliness really takes grip.
They make your mind think that you can’t survive without them, in exactly the same way diets do, promising you a better life if you stick with it, hoping you swallow the idea that the reason you’ve failed is because your not doing something right.
Truth is, Online Dating is shallow, it hasn’t delivered in it’s life affirming improvement strategy and if you’re not quite the norm people don’t want to know, you’re personality means nothing..
It certainly, hasn’t enhanced my life boosted my confidence, it’s other things, other people who have made me realise that actually I shouldn’t ever class myself as the dregs of the dating world
I’ve realised that for me finding love is, as frustrating as it may be, a long game, I need to be friends first and if anything else happens because of the time we’ve gotten to know each other. Then, well that’s amazing.
It’ll happen. Eventually..
And if it doesn’t? It isn’t the end of the world.