People always think I’m a confident woman, someone who never afraid to speak her mind and tell you what I really think. In most aspects of my life you’d be right.
I believe that it’s my disability that’s made me into the social animal I am today, I’ve become a character that isn’t easily forgotten. It’s not a coincidence my hair is vibrant either…
There is one area though, that makes me shy away and quite frankly petrified, so much so that I hardly recognise who I am. Whilst at work, I’m known for being an ambassador for all things good and equal it’s at home, and more specifically in my personal life,where in unsure of myself.
When it comes to finding a bloke I find attractive, I seem to be a little it chicken to admit my feelings to the object of my desires.
I can count my romantic experiences in one hand. (two..at a push) They are very few and far between, it usually begins as a friendship, the two of us finding a common ground, an interest, I perhaps make him laugh and he grows fond of me. My mind, god bless it, convinces me I’m in love and, boom there I live, for the foreseeable future, dancing between flirting (which I’m terrible at) and friendship, never really knowing if the feelings I have are reciprocated.
I talk to friends, me over analysing, asking for advice that I listen to but don’t ever take, no intention of doing the one thing that would end my turmoil and being honest about my feelings..
Why? Because for some stupid reason I’m convinced and terrified that guys will laugh at me and tell me that I never stood a chance anyway.
I know that this is a sweeping statement, but unfortunately this has been my experience.
What’s worse is, I recently had been playing it so cool that the window of opportunity had passed me by because of my inability to just be honest, I had liked this guy from a distance for years, never said anything because I was shy.. Then when we did get talking, I realised we were near perfect for each other, yet still never said a word, I thought he liked me the same way I like him, so didn’t feel the need to wear my heart of my sleeve and be a Burke… I had just plucked up the courage to say how I felt and he gets a girlfriend…
I could have cried. My stupid pride got it the way and I was the looser.
What was I protecting, if I’d had been honest with him sooner, and told him how I felt when I realised what I felt… Then maybe it would have been me.
Instead I was ashamed of my emotions, I let the fact that I am a person with a disability shame me into keeping my mouth shut.
The moral of the story is, don’t keep your mouth shut, tell people how you feel especially if you think you love them. The alternative is unrequited, uncertainty. Never let go of an opportunity for happiness. If it doesn’t work out, well, at least you were honest.
Next time I will be a brave little Chicken.