So I’ve been debating wether or not to talk about this for a while. Up until now, I’ve struggled to talk about it without sinking into a pit of despair and humiliation. But here we are, with me staring at this page feeling like I should share this with you, dear reader.
It all started back in November, in a quest for love, more than 18 months previous I’d signed up to an online dating site. Got the most part, I infrequently checked the app to see if I had any messages. I never ever did, so last November I decided to delete my account and give up on love.
As I went to part company, I noticed that I had received a message at long last! The message said ‘you sound so full of life, (I’d made an effort with my profile, after countless rewrites) and you have eyes I could drown in.’
I thought he was trying to he nice, and we’ll at least it was more than a one word ‘hii’ so I replied. Genuinely thinking he’s lose interest in me once he found out about the wheelchair. He didn’t, and as the days turned into weeks we found ourselves enjoying the messages. So much so, he asked me on a date. I was retesant at first, onlu because I’d never been on a date before. But after repeatedly asking me, and reassuring me everything would be great. I said yes.
The first date went brilliantly, he turned up, we had stuff in common and conversation flowed. So much so he wanted to see me again.
He didn’t know when though, he was a teacher and with the end of term fast approaching, he’d be busy on the lead up to Christmas.
I’m not one to get excited about things to hastily. I hadn’t told many of my friends I was dating until I was sure what was happening, the constant ‘good morning’ messages were so nice to wake up to. He’d tell me I was beautiful and how he couldn’t wait to see me.
He even surprised me at the German Market with my friends, kissing me and holding my hand without bothering if anyone saw, it made a nice change from fellas who were scared of telling me how they really felt because I’m in a wheelchair.
He made an effort with my friends, wad nothing but gentlemanly and even my friends were impressed. For once I was happy, if was what the first flush of love felt like. Sign me up for the whole lot.
Slowly but surely, my non existent confidence grew and I started to feel worthy this genuine guy really did like me
Or so I thought..
It was a Friday night. I hadn’t heard from my date all day, which was unusual, I’d get at least a ‘morning’ text.. But today I hadn’t. I’d spoken to my friend who’d talked me down from a panic and fallen asleep sure that in the morning, he’d be in touch.
I woke up at 4am, knowing something wasn’t right, I had a compelling urge to Google his name. I don’t know why, but that’s exactly what I did.
I typed his name and the School he worked at as a history teacher in the box.. ‘The school are currently looking for a history teacher’ said the website. My stomach learched.
I then typed his name and where he lived. Up popped a result from the local paper, an article appealing for people to help him find the engagement ring he gave to his fiance.
‘Andy’ wasn’t on Facebook, but his fiance was. So in complete disbelief I sent her a message telling her everything. To my surprise she didn’t seem all that shocked, telling me I should ‘Talk to him’ with confirmation it was indeed the Man if been seeing.
I texted him.
Long story short. He lied. About everything, apparently he had his reasons, although, when I asked what they were he didn’t tell me.
I was devastated. Still am, just like that he was gone, destroying what little confidence I had. So damaged, I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back.
I can’t trust many guys anymore and I really don’t know how I’m ever going to find anyone who will fancy me again.
I’ve deleted the online dating site and I don’t intend to return.. But as someone who is never looked at twice when dating in the conventional way, how do I find my Mr Right? If I’m honest, I’ve never felt more alone.
Ask Me how I am, I tell you that I’m fine, I have great friends and a loving family, but now I know what I missing.. And it’s something that can make you feel amazing. It’s killing me more than before.
Maybe I’m never meant to find love.
I hope Andy is happy with his wife. He’ll never really understand the extent of the damage he’s caused.