2020. The year I had so many plans. The year I was going to finally start making a name for myself. For years, I thought that my career lay in the media, making television and telling stories.
It was only 12 months ago I can’t to the realization that any success I did have in television had happened and wasn’t ever likely to be repeated anytime soon, at the age of 22 I’d already achieved my ambition of working in television.. so what do you do when you’ve accomplished so much so young?
It has taken the loss of a job I was good at and cruelly dismissed from to make me realise what I was really made for. The Advocacy of Disabled People. My confidence had been knocked and as I started on a brand new career it took the support of my loved ones and my friends to help build my confidence again. Slowly but surely we were getting there, I was getting in the swing of things, the jigsaw was falling into place and I felt self-assured.
And then, like that mean kid who ruins the puzzle by stamping on it, Coronavirus hit.
Within weeks, work commitments dwindled, Social plans halted and someone pushed pause on my life. Locked down and because of my Disability shielded from the world until further notice.
Like most people, this had been such a test for me. Everything has been taken away from me and to some extent, I feel robbed of my identity.
I’m used to being this smiling happy girl, with brightly coloured hair and makeup on my face, with the filthiest laugh. But I’m really struggling. I feel useless, fat and ugly and I can’t get myself out of it. I have stuff I could be doing and Every morning, I wake up with a plan to accomplish something. The broken night’s sleep I’m regularly having to mean that my energy is depleted and the enthusiasm to do anything disappears as quick as the motivation arrived
I’m unable to move as much because there’s nowhere to push to get the cardio going. In trying hard to make a concerted effort to stand every day to strengthen and stretch my legs.
My hair which is usually my trademark has gone from ruby red to a rusty bucket with a fat face to boot.
I haven’t seen my friends and I’m waving at the family through a window
Facetime is great but I can’t wait to see the people I love
I’m writing this down not because I want sympathy; there are thousands and thousands of people in the same or worse position than me, I am lucky to be in lockdown with my Parents and have so many friends who call and check in every day, even when I’m grumpy tearful and anxious. I am fortunate living in a house with a garden and a roof over my head but I miss adventure and day trips. I miss having a purpose.
I feel guilty, for moaning but also guilty for not using this time wisely enough, there’s so much pressure to be organised, have a plan, learn a skill, sort stuff, why aren’t I doing that? Should I be?
Instead I’ve become accepting of the sadness that comes with this time, taking each day as it comes and being kind to myself, understanding and acknowledging his much I’ve dealt with in my life, came back swinging when others thought I wouldn’t survive.
Those that know me or have read previous blogs will know that I use writing to get out the thoughts and feelings I am wrestling with, out. I also know that there’ll be loads of people just like me who are struggling. I am writing it down, so I can look back on this extraordinary time and see where I was and how I managed to bounce back… because I will bounce back.
My career, just like my life is there waiting for me when I return, and once I’m back I’m going to be the best I can be, even if the new me isn’t fluent in three languages, this world ain’t gonna know what’s hit it. Lucy Wood 2.0 – Thinner, fitter, Joyous – with the best hair you’ve ever seen
I’ll see the people I love and I’ll never let them go.
When you’re going through a storm, steady the ship and look for the lighthouse and then look for the rainbows.